Sabbatical Piratical

So after basically being a sook for a few days, I've taken some time to get back to basics, or rather I'm pulling myself up by my strange, mismatched pirate themed socks.

That's not to say having emotions is bad.. seeing as how I don't normally have anything in me besides confusing rage, deadly rage, hilarious weird and blank kill-bot it was kinda nice to go through the right emotional spectrums and be human for once.

So yeah, have been getting back to basics - trying to reduce stress, keeping up with the vitamins (I've found a remarkable improvement in my hair and nail quality alone since starting to take all of these vitamins, so that's great) watching what I eat and started a new exercise regime.

Stress has been the biggest concern so far. The last few days I've found myself switching between severely agoraphobic times and then once outside my house - aggressive bouts of confidence.
That.. I don't know what's going on with.

I got my car serviced today and when the service assistant tried to up-sell me additional options I gave him a look. I'm not saying it withered anything, but it was definitely up there because I ended up getting the extras anyway at no charge and the guy nearly apologised to me.

Mopey update and sad gorilla gifs

Another day, another appointment, another scan.

Yeah, I successfully surfed my crimson tide and dismounted for a egg check-up. The numbers weren't great - in fact, despite all the additional crap I went through this cycle it didn't do a damn thing. I had to come back for an extra check this week because we weren't sure if one of the eggs was completely right or not because it was a lot larger than the others.

That was today, and we couldn't even find this extra large edition anywhere so we don't even know what the hell that was. We think it might have been a fluid sack that popped. Ob/gyn asked me if anything had hurt recently and I just sat there thinking because I'd felt a twinge the previous day but didn't worry about it as I hadn't wanted to stress too much.

I had felt so positive about this second scan because it had looked like we were going forward with egg pick up but again I went home empty handed so to speak. I'd had a week of holidays and I'm glad because I had about two to three days of sitting around listlessly planned now instead of all the home improvements and chores I had lined up. 

It's funny because you know it does no good to get depressed but apart from that second day when it really sort of hit home.. I've just felt kind of hollow. I wanted so badly to conceive but have yet again been told in polite, clinical terms that I'm a failure.

So we're having a month breather from the intense treatment I was doing. I'm to keep up the vitamins though. I'm also embarking on a fitness campaign not only to help my body but to distract myself.

My gym membership has long expired but I've taken to running around outside at work during my breaks and using their outdoor gym equipment which is pretty basic but does the job. 

I'm enjoying it more than I thought I would. I have more energy, I can see a difference in my body shape even though my weight hasn't changed dramatically. My endurance is growing and so is my confidence. A bunch of guys at work even cheered me on the other day.

Another plus is that because I'm working out at work, I get to spend more time with my partner after work and don't have to wait for dinner or go outside in the dark/early morning. 

In other news, my sister brought some ultra sound photos around the other day and she's been happier than usual. My friend's baby has just taken his first steps. We went to visit some of my husband's relatives over the weekend and got asked twice about when we were going to have a family. 

It wasn't invasive or aggressive. One asked about us and our intentions when the pre-dinner conversation turned to nephews and nieces, the other dropped subtle hints that my partner's new car would be the kind of car you'd want to have when looking to start a family. 

Both times left me feeling like shit.