So after basically being a sook for a few days, I've taken some time to get back to basics, or rather I'm pulling myself up by my strange, mismatched pirate themed socks.
That's not to say having emotions is bad.. seeing as how I don't normally have anything in me besides confusing rage, deadly rage, hilarious weird and blank kill-bot it was kinda nice to go through the right emotional spectrums and be human for once.
So yeah, have been getting back to basics - trying to reduce stress, keeping up with the vitamins (I've found a remarkable improvement in my hair and nail quality alone since starting to take all of these vitamins, so that's great) watching what I eat and started a new exercise regime.
Stress has been the biggest concern so far. The last few days I've found myself switching between severely agoraphobic times and then once outside my house - aggressive bouts of confidence.
That.. I don't know what's going on with.
I got my car serviced today and when the service assistant tried to up-sell me additional options I gave him a look. I'm not saying it withered anything, but it was definitely up there because I ended up getting the extras anyway at no charge and the guy nearly apologised to me.
During my non-rostered days this week I was meant to catch up with one of my friends but I just couldn't do it. It's not that I didn't want to see her or her son I just wasn't up to socialising or even leaving the house. I couldn't even muster the strength to send a text and I felt like such a dick.
One of my other friends randomly sent me a text and I couldn't reply for hours. She also wants to catch up and I really want to but just can't seem to get the energy to. I think part of it is the fact that even though I know I'll feel better once I hang out with them... the conversation will turn to either their kids and what they're up to or asking how I'm doing/how the IVF is progressing.
This empty ache of not having a child is.. getting unbearable. I never thought I'd be in this position. I didn't realise this urge to procreate would be so strong and demanding. It's like someone flipped a switch in me and I can't turn it off.
I'm finding that I'm not even able to sleep anymore. My sleep pattern's always been erratic but the last year or so, it had really settled down. Now I'm going to bed at 2am, trying to sleep for an hour or so and then getting up at 5am.
Still the important thing right now is to try to look after myself and my own the best I can and the rest will come later.
That's not to say having emotions is bad.. seeing as how I don't normally have anything in me besides confusing rage, deadly rage, hilarious weird and blank kill-bot it was kinda nice to go through the right emotional spectrums and be human for once.
So yeah, have been getting back to basics - trying to reduce stress, keeping up with the vitamins (I've found a remarkable improvement in my hair and nail quality alone since starting to take all of these vitamins, so that's great) watching what I eat and started a new exercise regime.
Stress has been the biggest concern so far. The last few days I've found myself switching between severely agoraphobic times and then once outside my house - aggressive bouts of confidence.
That.. I don't know what's going on with.
I got my car serviced today and when the service assistant tried to up-sell me additional options I gave him a look. I'm not saying it withered anything, but it was definitely up there because I ended up getting the extras anyway at no charge and the guy nearly apologised to me.
Recently I was involved in a case at work where there was a horrible, messy, sudden, untimely death and the graphic, saddening details just won't leave my mind even though I consider myself a fairly desensitised person. I just keep thinking about my own mortality and that of those I love, which I'm guessing is tied into the recent anxiety I've been feeling and the giant steps we're taking in making our own family.
It would probably help to talk about it with someone but I'm notoriously bad at doing that. This blog is surprisingly open for someone like me. As it's a work thing as well, I can't really discuss it for confidentiality anyway.
One of my other friends randomly sent me a text and I couldn't reply for hours. She also wants to catch up and I really want to but just can't seem to get the energy to. I think part of it is the fact that even though I know I'll feel better once I hang out with them... the conversation will turn to either their kids and what they're up to or asking how I'm doing/how the IVF is progressing.
This empty ache of not having a child is.. getting unbearable. I never thought I'd be in this position. I didn't realise this urge to procreate would be so strong and demanding. It's like someone flipped a switch in me and I can't turn it off.
I'm finding that I'm not even able to sleep anymore. My sleep pattern's always been erratic but the last year or so, it had really settled down. Now I'm going to bed at 2am, trying to sleep for an hour or so and then getting up at 5am.
Still the important thing right now is to try to look after myself and my own the best I can and the rest will come later.
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