Coping (or not so much) after the loss

I had been given Monday following the surgery off. The next day, Panda had to return to work and I was meant to. I did not. I had not been able to sleep the night before, I was still in agony with my legs but more than that - I couldn't face the idea of going into the workplace. Besides that I just couldn't stop crying.

I had a panic attack of sorts - stressed that I would break down in tears if someone asked how I was or even breaking down for no reason at all. I was petrified that - not being in the right state of mind - I might say something inappropriate to a customer that could affect my job, especially if a customer got aggressive or angry about something that in the end.. doesn't matter.

I managed to call work to let them know I wouldn't be in - hoping I wouldn't get any of the bitchy ones. Hoping worked - I got the 'mother hen' of the work leaders. She'd dealt with me before when i had an adverse reaction at work to some fertility medication, although she didn't know or pry for the root cause.

Managing to drag myself to the doctor's for a medical certificate was an experience. The opposing wall to where the waiting room is has an opaque tint to try to block out the intense sun. It doesn't really work, so no one gave me side eye when I was sitting there with sunnies on.

As usual, I couldn't see my usual doctor because you have to pre-plan and book your sickness weeks in advance apparently which is a bit messed up to me. So I went to see a doctor I hadn't used before but Panda had. He'd told me this doctor was good and actually listened to him. The last doctor we had there that really gave a crap left a few months ago so I was sold.

And he was good, he listened, he gave me time which is normally harder to get out of a doctor than blood from a stone and when some nurse barged in he politely excused himself to deal with that as well as keeping them out of the room and came back apologising even though it wasn't his fault people don't know how to knock. He was really kind to me.

I told him what I wrote here, that I didn't think I could cope with work and I was in so much emotional and physical pain. He told me to take the week off work, and to let him know if that wasn't enough and also offered me pain killers for my legs.

Afterwards I sat in my car for a little bit while I sorted myself out then I told myself I needed to do this right so I headed to work. I was booked in for a flu shot anyway, so instead of cancelling it I turned up and got that. Last year we had a total rude cow doing the jabs but this time we had this lovely lady who asked how my day was going and I had to be that one person saying "lady, don't even ask" while holding back tears.

Served up Yummy Mummys.... But have we had enough?

My mother told me about a reality show called Yummy Mummys, with a foot note that it's probably just going to be for laughs. Holy hell, it's something but I'm not sure if I can even make it through this first episode!

I'm not really a fan of reality television because let's face it, it's lazy, it's all staged, it reminds me that the Kartrashians still exist... You know, that kind of thing. My idea of a good reality show is Drawn Together. 

Anyway, this show is centred around three mums to be from Melbourne and one clique invader from Adelaide. 

Jane - a model - seems to be a quieter person than the rest, she's already a mother and seems to have the best dress sense.

Lorinska is a primary school teacher who doesn't seem to understand motherhood, she's afraid of breastfeeding due to a unfortunate incident when she was a kid but also thinks she'll just pop back into her pre-pregnancy size immediately. She does have some classic reaction faces though.

Rachel is my favourite so far, she's a state retail manager but is a bit more down to earth and has a sense of humour about it all. She kinda reminds me of a shorter version of Sarah Jessica Parker.

Over in Adelaide though we have a horrible caricature of a rich useless brat. This is Maria who feels that every mother should have a giant powder room, matching outfits for her, her man, baby and dog, and has apparently stock piled for a baby apocalypse judging by the amount of baby shoes and things she's hoarding. She's a self confessed label slave and monograms all of her designer bags to make sure everybody knows. 

Am I being too harsh on Maria? Nope. 

Troubles of the Tiger Tummy and Thoughts Too

Last night my husband had a dream that I was pregnant.

Earlier in the week, a co-worker asked me if I was pregnant because I had a certain glow to me.

The other week, a friend told me she dreamt she was at my baby shower. 

Late last week, I was instructed by my obstetrician to take the trigger (a tiny needle to kick start ovulation that somehow hurt me more than the previous week of larger needles, both physically and mentally) in order to get my cycle going again. He advised that it would be an optimum time to try to conceive naturally, albeit to be wary of a slim chance of - if successful, having more than one baby. 

This week I've definitely felt off. I've had two days off work and missed family events because I've been feeling sick, nauseous, lethargic, have had headaches and no appetite as well as all sorts of bathroom issues you don't need to know about. Of course, I hoped it was something more than a bug but I've been too nervous to check. Not that it may matter, seeing as how several pregnancy tests have pretty much been recalled for false positives.