I'm not really a fan of reality television because let's face it, it's lazy, it's all staged, it reminds me that the Kartrashians still exist... You know, that kind of thing. My idea of a good reality show is Drawn Together.
Anyway, this show is centred around three mums to be from Melbourne and one clique invader from Adelaide.
Jane - a model - seems to be a quieter person than the rest, she's already a mother and seems to have the best dress sense.
Lorinska is a primary school teacher who doesn't seem to understand motherhood, she's afraid of breastfeeding due to a unfortunate incident when she was a kid but also thinks she'll just pop back into her pre-pregnancy size immediately. She does have some classic reaction faces though.
Rachel is my favourite so far, she's a state retail manager but is a bit more down to earth and has a sense of humour about it all. She kinda reminds me of a shorter version of Sarah Jessica Parker.
Over in Adelaide though we have a horrible caricature of a rich useless brat. This is Maria who feels that every mother should have a giant powder room, matching outfits for her, her man, baby and dog, and has apparently stock piled for a baby apocalypse judging by the amount of baby shoes and things she's hoarding. She's a self confessed label slave and monograms all of her designer bags to make sure everybody knows.
Am I being too harsh on Maria? Nope.
Maria doesn't even have a job but spends money like a politician. Yep, her partner of like a year or so supports and funds her. Through just hair cutting, I'm so sure.....
She introduces her sister as 'less glamorous' than her, even though her sister is actually gorgeous and has better dress sense, Maria also treats her mother like crap. Maria needs to have the biggest brand name baby shower in her godforsaken state and throws an absolute bitch fit when she's told she can't have the biggest event room because there's going to be a wedding there later.
She introduces her sister as 'less glamorous' than her, even though her sister is actually gorgeous and has better dress sense, Maria also treats her mother like crap. Maria needs to have the biggest brand name baby shower in her godforsaken state and throws an absolute bitch fit when she's told she can't have the biggest event room because there's going to be a wedding there later.
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| I feel like Bianca's looking for an escape route |
Oh no, they need to cancel that because it's all about what she wants and what she needs because she's pregnant, you know? That's tantamount to like, saving the world but this larger group celebrating a momentous occasion that's probably been booked at least a year in advance?
Screw them and their non-Maria happiness!
Screw them and their non-Maria happiness!
I gotta give props to the event planner they met though. How she didn't punch anyone in the face, I'll never know. Even when she accommodates all of Maria's requests like adding a stage, changing the lighting, moving everything out of the front entrance... Maria's still not happy.
I don't think Maria realises that she's the sort of person everyone will mock the hell out of behind her back. She's so spoilt and stuck up, it's hard to believe this big baby is going to actually have a baby.
Lorinska goes for a final scan with her husband, who thankfully dresses a bit more relaxed. She shows a bit more of a human side, worrying about her placenta and not wanting a cesarean. There's even a hilarious moment where she discusses the baby getting her nose and not hubby's larger one... And when the baby looks at her in the ultrasound appearing 'evil looking.'
Well I can't argue that. I know they're important to have but the babies in ultrasounds just look like weird blobs to me.
Being a show about rich bitches of course it comes around to push presents. You know, being financially rewarded for giving birth. Look, I'm all for a small present/memento or hubby bringing flowers or giving a massage that sort of thing but when they start talking about a bigger present if it's a large baby... You know they're not going to settle for anything small or trivial. Ugh.
Back at Adelaide's worst baby shower drama llama, Maria is still huffy about not getting exactly her own way but perks up when she's shown an Instagram of the Melbourne mums that the planner uses for ideas sometimes. Unfortunately this leads Maria into the lives of the other three, and leaves our plucky event planner Jess wondering if she'll ever get her Ipad back.
Margherita - Maria's mother disparages a baby shower that's all yellow, saying it reminds her of chickens but says this straight faced while wearing one of the yellowest outfits I've ever seen. Apart from that, her mother seems a bit more reasonable and is a lot more entertaining than her daughter. I think Bianca - the "less glamorous" sister (because she DARES to wear non name brand track pants occasionally) is probably the most reasonable and sanest of the three.
Naturally she's hardly given any screen time.
Naturally she's hardly given any screen time.
So they make it seem like this meeting just happened naturally when it's all being filmed and has clearly been inspired by Instagram, an app I have little to no time for.
The Melbournites go push present shopping and meet a jeweller whose very arm movements make Cha-Ching like noises. He shows them a ring that costs approximately five times the average car price, or what you might expect to pay for a down payment on a small moon somewhere which, I'm happy to see freaks out the other two a fraction. It doesn't slow Lorinska's bank roll though and hubby will get his marching orders soon enough.
We keep getting shown shots of these mothers walking around in fancy dresses and stilettos because they don't want to be frumpy mothers! Perish the thought! You can of course, wear whatever's most comfortable to you in pregnancy but please remember how bad high heels are for you at the best of times, let alone carrying extra humans. Besides, I bet they're still being chauffeured everywhere.
It kinda reminded me of Earth Girls are Easy and one of my favourite comedy numbers.
"I can't spell VW but I gotta Porsche!"
Maria wants these girls at her baby shower to show them she's over their league and then tells Bianca they have to come, what else are they going to do with their time?
Ouch. One of the biggest back handed compliments I've ever seen.
Personally, I'd want people I actually know and like at my baby shower, not just because I want to use their fame to push my own star up.
Maria then says how her husband and herself still go to her parents for a home made Italian lunch and I'm like oh, maybe she can get her hands dirty but the it's revealed that the men cook while the women do nothing but drink wine and pose in Chanel aprons with their hair not even tied back in the kitchen. So... No different to usual life for her then.
Once she hears the trio are coming to her baby shower she decides she can't do her Burberry theme and needs to make it bigger! They decide on Versache to the annoyance of her partner who rightly says it's too much for a baby shower. Maria is surrounded by yes men but I can't see how these polar opposites got together at all.
The trio arrive, clearing out the airport so they can strut and Maria actually decides to meet them prior to the festivities. They are chauffeured of course. There are some jokes about other states of Australia but meh. Personally I don't think Melbourne or Adelaide are that great.
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| "Non rich people use airports too? Say Whaaaaaat??" |
They air kiss and exclaim about how nice it is to meet each other and then of course, it's a quick cut to a safe recording booth where Maria can snark about her new buddies. Yeah Lorinska, how can you stand to wear those shoes twice? Soooo yesterday.
The trio are astounded by Maria's love of Versache. I am too. I guess it's one thing if you like their fashion or buy a bag but to actually build your home around their logo? Seems kinda... Sad.
Like your entire home is an advert for someone else. I doubt even the Versaches would find this kind of devotion endearing or classy. Not to mention the Versache face doesn't look too different to the Starbucks logo.
Maria spends her time at morning tea boasting about how she never not wears designer clothing and that she owns her partner so got her name tramp stamped on him... You know, girly chit chat.
One useful thing she does is make sure she's got a ride-able toy car for her impending daughter but it's not to have equal or gender neutral toys... It's because it's a little Porsche and she can match mummy.
She mistakes the incredulous looks she's getting for jealousy.
I admit I have some baby things, perhaps prematurely but if I see an awesome outfit that I'll likely never see again.. Well, I'm gonna want it aren't I? Maria though, has entire baby warehouse.
Fitting, as her child will likely never get to wear one more than once.
Fitting, as her child will likely never get to wear one more than once.
She starts a pissing match about whose partner is more successful. Jane downplays the celebrities her partner does work for, perhaps to discourage any rivalry or to avoid Maria coming to Melbourne for a hair cut (wouldn't put it past her) when Maria drops the bombshell that her partner's second job is babysitting her I mean, being at her beck and call. If she needs him, he has to shut up shop and come home.
Let's all have a moment of silence for the poor bastard Carlos.
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| Or is this Pitbull? |
And now, another moment of silence for the Versache doormat that no one was actually supposed to walk on.
Margherita decides to arrange a surprise baby shower dance and the dance instructors face is... Priceless. I think he legitimately only takes in every other word she says and his eyes glaze over.
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| "Can't... even.... right.... now..." |
Back at the tea party, the topic turns to breast feeding. Maria says yes but eew not in public. Then she proudly displays her Boss dummies and Dior whatever's like they're not going to be the same as any old store bought baby feeding equipment when they're clogged up with milk and drool. She does admit that her child will only wear her outfits once, for fear of being shunned by her community.
She's actually bought clothes up to 14 years. 14 years. Good gravy, heaven help her if the kid hates designer, doesn't fit them or turns out to be a boy. What a waste of money.
Maria disses her mum again - her mum has just bought flowers for the trio and warmly welcomed them - but Maria thinks the girls only like her because she's older and no competition for them. Yikes.
Does your mum know this is going on telly, Maria? Tch tch.
Maria said earlier that she can't handle stress because she's pregnant but she causes her own stress by making a huge drama out of everything and if her stomach wasn't so round I'm sure she'd throw herself bodily to the floor like a toddler and pound the floor with her posh fists.
The more I watch Maria the more I don't understand why anyone, including her family hang out with her. She's an absolute cow and treats her mum like something she stepped in. She gets angry about how small the present table is and how it's all about her her her and watch out if you call her cheap. Which is kinda ironic because I've always considered the people that flaunt their wealth or possessions to be covering for their cheap, hollow nature.
Maria is like a 'counterfake' human being. She doesn't even realise what a joke she is which is depressing as all hell. Thankfully my recording cut off before I got to see the actual baby shower so I don't have to gouge my eyes out before I go to work.
Outcome:
So I consider the show to be a bit of a miss. The trio were a lot more human than I expected but then there just HAD to be a Maria. I often think that money is wasted on the rich and she is the embodiment of that. I personally, could do a lot more if I had some of the cash she's endlessly pissing away but I'd rather be a happy but povvo mother than anything like that self absorbed woman who'll probably hire a nanny for the yucky baby times and only hold her daughter for coordinated designer fashion shoots.
I am torn between wanting to make fun of these people further and not wanting to watch the show in case my brain explodes from stupidity or if Maria actually achieves her lifetime goal of being a Kim Kartrashian. We don't even need the one of those we have, don't give us more!
I am torn between wanting to make fun of these people further and not wanting to watch the show in case my brain explodes from stupidity or if Maria actually achieves her lifetime goal of being a Kim Kartrashian. We don't even need the one of those we have, don't give us more!
The show was recently panned as the “worst new show on Australian TV” with one reviewer describing it as “A triumph of fabricated, contrived, vapid, vacuous, pointless tripe. It’s beyond ‘so bad it’s good’. It’s just plain bad.”
News
Until now, Real Housewives of Sydney had taken the title of most revolting show of the year: a cast of largely unlikeable rich women sniping like entitled schoolyard bullies about first-world problems, both real and imagined.
Until now, Real Housewives of Sydney had taken the title of most revolting show of the year: a cast of largely unlikeable rich women sniping like entitled schoolyard bullies about first-world problems, both real and imagined.
Cosmopolitan
Back at Maria's house she's literally taking inventory of the gifts she received, furious her guests didn't stick to the brief of simply giving her money or gift vouchers. Some people selfishly bought her gifts they thought she might want or need. People can be so cruel.
The first sentence you hear out the first mum’s mouth is, “A baby can’t be that much work, can it?” Oh boy, I’m so glad that these ladies are going to be responsible for human life dangerously soon…
Introductions quickly follow and Rachel (one of the Melbourne mums) declares that she is having a baby soon, so, “I’ll have heaps of time on my hands.”
This is the part where we reflect on the amount of starving children in the world, and those who don't have a roof over their heads, let alone a Burberry snowsuit. But honestly if we go too far down that road we'll actually vomit.
As the fifty or so guests rock in, it's time for Maria's understated entrance. In a horse and carriage. "Why doesn't this have air conditioning?!" Maria screams at the great outdoors. "I have the air-conditioning on when I have the windows down in my car," she tells a quietly weeping Al Gore.Back at Maria's house she's literally taking inventory of the gifts she received, furious her guests didn't stick to the brief of simply giving her money or gift vouchers. Some people selfishly bought her gifts they thought she might want or need. People can be so cruel.
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