Troubles of the Tiger Tummy and Thoughts Too

Last night my husband had a dream that I was pregnant.

Earlier in the week, a co-worker asked me if I was pregnant because I had a certain glow to me.

The other week, a friend told me she dreamt she was at my baby shower. 

Late last week, I was instructed by my obstetrician to take the trigger (a tiny needle to kick start ovulation that somehow hurt me more than the previous week of larger needles, both physically and mentally) in order to get my cycle going again. He advised that it would be an optimum time to try to conceive naturally, albeit to be wary of a slim chance of - if successful, having more than one baby. 

This week I've definitely felt off. I've had two days off work and missed family events because I've been feeling sick, nauseous, lethargic, have had headaches and no appetite as well as all sorts of bathroom issues you don't need to know about. Of course, I hoped it was something more than a bug but I've been too nervous to check. Not that it may matter, seeing as how several pregnancy tests have pretty much been recalled for false positives.

I had initially thought that my illness this week may have been exacerbated by mental stress from all of this as well as my job which... which I love. I love helping people, I love my co-workers, I love having my own desk full of quirky collectables that no one really bats an eye at. 

Lately though it's been hella stressful. It's been so busy, the customers are either unhelpful to their own cause and rude, or politely disinclined to listen to you. The KPI's we're working towards are getting harder to reach and the last few months have been disheartening because I don't feel like I've actually been helping people. 

It's hard, because I know I have. People call us in tears, or in a rage, and it's our job to get them back on their feet again. I know we do that, I know there are - unfortunately - people that can't be helped or don't want to be helped but it feels like the old customer service standby where everyone gets the energy to complain but only a handful will come forward and say, hey, you did good. 

You don't do a job like this for the praise. 

You do it because it needs to be done. You do it because they need you. You do it because it's a job as well. You do it because if you ever get in that situation, you'd want someone competent and helpful on the receiving end of your call for help. You do it because so many people need help, even if it's only a tiny thing. But you don't do it to get crapped on constantly. 

I feel like an absolute jerk for not being there to help out my co-workers this week but I physically, and mentally could not go in there. 

Earlier this year, I had pre-booked some free tickets to a pregnancy expo but wasn't sure if we were going to go or not. We'd been to at least two and it's all the same stuff, mostly adverts and 'competitions' wanting your personal details to send you crap daily. Hubby wasn't keen for this reason alone. Also, last time we both got asked what we were doing there. At a convention for both pregnancy and babies, where they are meant to cater for those wanting to conceive, those who are pregnant and expecting as well as those who already have a family... we got asked why we were there as we weren't pregnant. 

Which needless to say, pissed me off something fierce. These happy stall owners not seeing me as someone they can offer a service to, and therefore being of no value at all.

As well as that, I just wasn't up for battling my way through the jungle of strollers and bumps.
Even for a chance to win stuff and get free samples. 

Still, even if I don't conceive this time it's not like we're out of time to do so. It would be nice, to a) know I haven't been sick for no reason, b) save a truck load of money on IVF and c) physically be able to do it. 

These friends and co-workers telling me about their visions are heartening because I want so badly to be in this exclusive yet widespread club.

Although I have my own visions of what I as a mother would look like and they are not traditional. 

For the record, I personally have not dreamed about being pregnant (that I can recall anyway) but I have had some messed up dreams about cyclones, weird shell-less turtles biting me, forgetting to shave my legs and running from a terminator-like assassin. Make of that what you will.