Counting your eggs before they hatch

Yesterday I went for a scan with my obstetrician.

The goal was to see how many eggs we'd managed to get lined up via all my various drugs. This guys is pretty good, expectation wise, we knew going in that we were likely to not have too many due to my AMH profile.

I think he was even being nicer to me that day than usual. The scan itself was pleasant even - well, compared to your average pap smear for example.
At the end of the day though - we didn't get as many eggs as we wanted.

He said it was up to my partner and I if we wanted to continue with the cycle but advised us that it probably wouldn't yield favourable results. Then of course, you have to pay the fertility clinic as veritable butt tonne of money no matter if you end up up the duff or not.

Which leads us to now postponing this cycle and trying again next month maybe.



My parents ended up taking me to the appointment (they had business in that area anyway and I suggested we do lunch) and while I felt it was kind of overkill at the time I'm really glad they were there.

It sounds a bit melodramatic but I just knew that if I was by myself I'd just fall into a mope.
It's not like I didn't expect this would happen but I just kinda hoped that my body would get it into gear and maybe behave for once. I just wanted to get this done. I just wanted to take the plunge. I just wanted a good result. I guess I just wanted to feel like a normal person and not someone who has to have all these drugs and needles and procedures to do something that's supposed to be a main trait of my damn gender.



Then I have to try to explain what's gone wrong this time to people and it's like... just everything.

It's a sign of the times, I think because when I tried to explain earlier that IVF was probably the only viable option I had if I wanted to reproduce and my parents didn't seem to get it.




Obviously, they know what it is but had never factored it in that I might need it. It wasn't really a thing when they were making my siblings and I which leads me to think that it's probably today's diet, today's stress and today's explosion of newly diagnose-able syndromes that contribute towards the greater need for IVF.

That said, they don't judge or ask stupid questions, they're just there for me.
Just as well because the shopping centre was just chock-full of parents with strollers.



And I did feel like shit, as I walked those aisles.

All these people, carrying a toddler, walking with a small child, pregnant with a third..

I just want one.

While it's true I don't know these people's stories, it just seems like it's so easy for them. I don't resent them for their lifestyle but it's hard when you keep seeing this.



It's hard when you log in for the first time in weeks to Facebook and it's just covered in new birth or new pregnancy announcements. It makes you wish for those crappy Minion quote reposts again.
You're trying to stay positive about your own situation but these doubts creep in like maybe I can't do it, maybe I can't live up to the expectation, maybe soon I'll start becoming one of those miserly sods that keep yelling at kids to get off their damn lawn.



So I had yesterday afternoon as my little sooky period, just flopping on the couch and not doing anything productive, wanting to be alone.

That's not to say I'm shunning my husband because I'm not - he's been probably extra caring and loving this whole time then he is normally and I love him dearly for it.




But, sometimes you just need some time alone to reflect.

This next month, we're going to concentrate on keeping calm, getting all of the medication correct, and thinking positive thoughts. It's not the end of the world. We will get through this. It just shows that we need a bit more planning and preparation that's all.