My So Called Results and other anomalies

Today we got the results of the....  I don't even know what you call it. Would it be considered an autopsy? I'm not sure.

Anyway, we got the results.

Not sure how I feel about it?

Basically my doc said there's good and bad news.

The good news is, it's not any malfunctioning chromosomes. It doesn't look like it's a thyroid issue or anything to do with my hormones.

The bad news is that we don't know why it happened, just that it happened.

Which leaves me like.. well.. okay.

It's great that there's no obvious cause because it means we're healthy and can pass as normal functioning human persons. It sucks because there's nothing we can work on in the meantime?
Obviously we're still trying to get fitter and healthy but still.





I spent the rest of the afternoon sort of in shock after the phone call like.. I think in my mind I was thinking this would give me the answer as to what caused this living nightmare but it didn't. Now I'm just sitting here like a stunned mullet or a pork chop...or the next best food related analogy.

Thinking about food too much now. 

That and I guess trying not to think of what they've been doing to my baby to get this information... where they've been keeping it, what it looked like before and after...

Just before or after, I googled this topic and the images were a bit, well, not shocking to a desensitised, horror obsessed wreck like myself but they were a little haunting.
I probably wouldn't recommend searching it if you have a weak stomach, get upset easily or don't want to think about it at all.

I don't know what to think. It's been a weird day.

I'm trying to keep my stress levels down and reminding myself that we can always try again but it's hard to bounce back straight away from this. I was devastated, at a new low, but then I've bounced back into an optimistic high and now it's like I'm hollowed out. 

My mother reminds me that it probably hurts us more to think about it because we had so much time with our baby - we knew exactly when it was conceived while the average Jane may not have even known she was pregnant or had miscarried. 

We did know that when we requested the results of this that it might not have shown anything, and that sometimes these things just happen. At the same time though, a part of me was thinking there HAD to be something wrong. Our baby was healthy and smashing targets like a pro bowcaster - why did it turn out like this?

If this happened to a TV character, fans would be like "What gives? This is a stupid story!" and they'd be right. True, TV shows always be exaggerating - I don't even watch Home and Away or Neighbours but even I can tell you they've had waaaayyy too many bomb threats/serial killers and natural disasters for ANYONE to still live in those settings! 

Yet it's so.. anticlimactic. Why did this just happen? Was it something that we did, however minute, that caused it but hasn't shown up on any results?

I was due in for another ultrasound the week after I found out about the miscarriage, I had just done a buttload of blood tests in preparation for it. My specialist said that it was things he couldn't decipher because it needed to go hand in hand with the ultrasound specialist's report and the scans etc. 

It was only after the surgery I was like, I wonder if we should have proceeded with the ultrasound anyway to get more information. Then again that would have left me to carry around remains for another week while going through what should have been an exciting milestone, constantly sobbing and possibly getting ill. 

At the end of the day, who even knows if that would have given me answers anyway?