Lately I've been getting a little blue again.
I thought I was okay and past it but I guess you can't reason with grief.
I don't think anything in particular set it off, even though the last week or two, well, life seems to be throwing babies at me. Babies I can't have right now.
Overhearing co-workers laugh about some dope getting knocked up. My friend telling me about her other friend announcing her pregnancy. Attending a baby shower for someone I don't even know well. Going out with my sister and her kid.. and the kid finds my shirt more interesting than me. People giving me huge donation bags of baby stuff for me to help them sort and telling me I can take things if I want. Like.. why? I could take all the bags and it wouldn't do me any good right now (although I did keep a pair of dog themed kid's shoes with floppy dogs ears on them because who could get rid of those??)
Recently my husband went out to a sporting event with his close friend Jambo, who has also been through the IVF rigmarole but they did get a son out of it. He ended up talking about the miscarriage to him. They were previously unaware of it because we weren't ready to talk. Hubby didn't get a chance to tell me he'd done this as he got back late but the next night I got a similarly late text from Jambo's wife Messi. She said she'd heard about what happened and was there for me if I needed it.
I was initially angry - I didn't want to tell people for exactly this reason. The pity, the sorrow. The huge, aborted elephant in the room covered in blood, stinking of lost dreams and taking up space, like the onesies I'll never be able to put on that child.
So I didn't reply. I felt bad about it but I didn't know what to say. The rational part of me knows that Messi went through a similar thing and we could talk about it. Hell, she has talked to me about it but it was months after the fact and before I could fully comprehend how she must have felt. Even then - after the birth of her current child - she had tears in her eyes and was emotional about it.
Now, my emotional side knows that I would be the same but worse. I would be a mess and wouldn't even be able to choke out the words I want to say. I have always struggled to convey my personal life to others. I especially struggle if I need to say something of importance - I am for the most part, an emotionless stone person with the empathy level of a sociopath but I turn into the biggest sook ever when it's my turn to emote.
Right now I'm a mix between those two states. Feeling like I want to burst out in tears randomly. The numbness and pain in my thighs has come back with a vengeance and I feel like all my working out and physio has been for nothing.
That's depressing enough as it is without factoring everything else in too. I was really making progress and had so much less pain.
I'm not angry at hubby - he has a right to talk about it and get some closure as well. I'm not the gate keeper here but I kind of wish he had told me he was going to tell Jambo. In his defence, he thought I had already told Messi about it.
We were also supposed to get our eldest nephew for week next week but apparently that isn't happening. Got told at last minute he was coming (which is fine by us) and then nothing. Didn't hear anything, tried to call (we've been trying to call for a few weeks now to catch up) and.. nothing. We spoke to the actual nephew and he's like I'm not sure but I guess I'm not coming because they cancelled the flights.
And it's like.. why aren't you talking to us? The parents, not the nephew. Sure, we don't talk everyday and that's fine but Danio hasn't replied to a single text I've sent her and she's ALWAYS on her phone, constantly on Facebook. They were really supportive when we told them what happened but now it's got me thinking like have I fucked things up here and they feel too awkward to talk to me? Part of me assumes they're just busy and that's more than likely true but when you send a text and there's no replies at all but within ten minutes of the text they've been on Facebook posting a million photos, updates and replies to other people you're like.. what the actual fuck is going on? Do they hate me or something? I noticed the other day that they never sent the photo they took of us with the kids to us or on Facebook.. same with our wedding.. there's no photos of us. That actually bothers me more than it should.
So we aren't getting nephew Roosterhead and that sucks. Don't know when we'll see him again. Which sucks. He'll probably grow even more in that time and tower over me even more.. which'll suck.
Yesterday we went to a baby shower for an old colleague of Panda's, I didn't know them but they were all so welcoming. I did pretty well but there were still some moments where I was like why am I here? We were some of the chosen few that weren't family that stayed behind to hang out. Mum to be complained that she had no pregnancy glow and all the good things she'd heard were bullshit as she was continually being kicked by her baby.
This probably sounds bad but I had zero sympathy for her. I'm not insensitive - I know a lot of women have it rough through pregnancy and that can bite but at the same time.. I'd be so happy if those were the problems I was facing instead of crippling depression and the looming of iceberg of doubt that says 'yeah, are you ever going to be able to get pregnant again and actually carry it to term? Are ya? Huh?'
At least no one asked us about our family plans. That was a nice fucking change.
I thought I was okay and past it but I guess you can't reason with grief.
I don't think anything in particular set it off, even though the last week or two, well, life seems to be throwing babies at me. Babies I can't have right now.
Overhearing co-workers laugh about some dope getting knocked up. My friend telling me about her other friend announcing her pregnancy. Attending a baby shower for someone I don't even know well. Going out with my sister and her kid.. and the kid finds my shirt more interesting than me. People giving me huge donation bags of baby stuff for me to help them sort and telling me I can take things if I want. Like.. why? I could take all the bags and it wouldn't do me any good right now (although I did keep a pair of dog themed kid's shoes with floppy dogs ears on them because who could get rid of those??)
 |
| If these fit me I would friggin' wear them EVERYWHERE |
Recently my husband went out to a sporting event with his close friend Jambo, who has also been through the IVF rigmarole but they did get a son out of it. He ended up talking about the miscarriage to him. They were previously unaware of it because we weren't ready to talk. Hubby didn't get a chance to tell me he'd done this as he got back late but the next night I got a similarly late text from Jambo's wife Messi. She said she'd heard about what happened and was there for me if I needed it.
I was initially angry - I didn't want to tell people for exactly this reason. The pity, the sorrow. The huge, aborted elephant in the room covered in blood, stinking of lost dreams and taking up space, like the onesies I'll never be able to put on that child.
So I didn't reply. I felt bad about it but I didn't know what to say. The rational part of me knows that Messi went through a similar thing and we could talk about it. Hell, she has talked to me about it but it was months after the fact and before I could fully comprehend how she must have felt. Even then - after the birth of her current child - she had tears in her eyes and was emotional about it.
Now, my emotional side knows that I would be the same but worse. I would be a mess and wouldn't even be able to choke out the words I want to say. I have always struggled to convey my personal life to others. I especially struggle if I need to say something of importance - I am for the most part, an emotionless stone person with the empathy level of a sociopath but I turn into the biggest sook ever when it's my turn to emote.
Right now I'm a mix between those two states. Feeling like I want to burst out in tears randomly. The numbness and pain in my thighs has come back with a vengeance and I feel like all my working out and physio has been for nothing.
That's depressing enough as it is without factoring everything else in too. I was really making progress and had so much less pain.
I'm not angry at hubby - he has a right to talk about it and get some closure as well. I'm not the gate keeper here but I kind of wish he had told me he was going to tell Jambo. In his defence, he thought I had already told Messi about it.
We were also supposed to get our eldest nephew for week next week but apparently that isn't happening. Got told at last minute he was coming (which is fine by us) and then nothing. Didn't hear anything, tried to call (we've been trying to call for a few weeks now to catch up) and.. nothing. We spoke to the actual nephew and he's like I'm not sure but I guess I'm not coming because they cancelled the flights.
And it's like.. why aren't you talking to us? The parents, not the nephew. Sure, we don't talk everyday and that's fine but Danio hasn't replied to a single text I've sent her and she's ALWAYS on her phone, constantly on Facebook. They were really supportive when we told them what happened but now it's got me thinking like have I fucked things up here and they feel too awkward to talk to me? Part of me assumes they're just busy and that's more than likely true but when you send a text and there's no replies at all but within ten minutes of the text they've been on Facebook posting a million photos, updates and replies to other people you're like.. what the actual fuck is going on? Do they hate me or something? I noticed the other day that they never sent the photo they took of us with the kids to us or on Facebook.. same with our wedding.. there's no photos of us. That actually bothers me more than it should.
So we aren't getting nephew Roosterhead and that sucks. Don't know when we'll see him again. Which sucks. He'll probably grow even more in that time and tower over me even more.. which'll suck.
Yesterday we went to a baby shower for an old colleague of Panda's, I didn't know them but they were all so welcoming. I did pretty well but there were still some moments where I was like why am I here? We were some of the chosen few that weren't family that stayed behind to hang out. Mum to be complained that she had no pregnancy glow and all the good things she'd heard were bullshit as she was continually being kicked by her baby.
This probably sounds bad but I had zero sympathy for her. I'm not insensitive - I know a lot of women have it rough through pregnancy and that can bite but at the same time.. I'd be so happy if those were the problems I was facing instead of crippling depression and the looming of iceberg of doubt that says 'yeah, are you ever going to be able to get pregnant again and actually carry it to term? Are ya? Huh?'
At least no one asked us about our family plans. That was a nice fucking change.
No comments:
Post a Comment