Mental Labour

So while I'm sitting here running on the treadmill of life, looking very much like the black bear thing in the image above this text, I suddenly find that my stress and anxiety levels are rising and though I try to fight it - I'm slowly losing, much like the chicken queen also in the above picture. 

I have always been an anxious, worrisome person. Which is interesting because most people mistake me for a sociopath, what with my charming lack of visible emotions. 

One time when I was doing a sort of work experience thing alongside my TAFE studies, the lady who co-owned the company was off work for about two days after having a child. 

Literally, she returned like straight away after a Cesarean. This I thought was kind of weird because she brought the baby to work with her, and considering it was also a place of study - I didn't think it was appropriate for the students because damn this kid liked to wail. 

One day, I was in her office for some reason and she asked me to hold the baby while she took a call. This kid liked me! He quieted down straight away and afterwards Boss Lady told me this was pretty impressive. The next compliment (yes, she meant it in a nice way) she gave me was that she could "see me sitting in a fighter jet calmly pressing the button to release the bombs" which still brings a girlish blush to my cheeks. 

"Oh, do go on!"

Recently, I find I'm stressing about money and this whole IVF procedure.  I mean, it's a lot of money I would prefer in my pocket and extra stress that I could do without. Yeah, it's probably cheaper to do adoption but I mean, that's got it's own hassles and hoops to jump through.

I did actually want to adopt initially, and someday I would like to do just that, I just find that when I look at my husband, all I can think is "I just really want to gift you with some progeny, honey!"

I look at him and all I can see is some miracle child that somehow gets the best of both of us and heck, may even surpass us. As preemptively angry as that makes me, it's sort of cancelled out by the thought process that it would be a joint effort to create something together like that. I mean, it's life! 

                                                                       

I look at my handsome, kind, caring and smart husband, and I know he would be the best daddy. 

He's so good with kids already - it's like he was a born uncle and the kids sense it, no matter how young they are.
They look at him, and seem to know they can trust him and that he'll pay attention to them and play whatever fun or inane game with them. They also know to respect his authority when he has to lay the law down.

I look at him, and I know I can do this, no matter how hard it's going to be initially. I know this because I trust him too, and I know he's here for me no matter what.

ALL OF THE ABOVE THINGS ARE ME. WHO IS FILMING MY LIFE?!

This initially was going to be a depressing post about myself and my doubts, but it was just one bad day and it's not going to bring me down.