I keep on hoping.. for cake, by the kitchen counter....

Another post, another celebratory day.

I'm not happy.

I should be, we just had an epic Australia Day BBQ at our house that a lot of our friends came to, the food was great, music was good, atmosphere was 10/10.. it was a great day.

And now at the end of the night it's like.. what happened?

My husband is annoyed people went home fairly early (I don't see it as a problem because we intending on staggering the guests through-out the day), personally I didn't expect anyone to stay super late because of this and the fact that it was a very hot day. People are exhausted just being outside. He wanted to have a few drinks with friends later in the evening, and I get it. I do.

Now he's wasted and ranting about everything, he even dropped a freakin' cake because he tried to pick it up single-handedly (it was a very large cake). Luckily, I was on hand with a giant spatula to pancake-flip most of it back onto the platter and clean the rest of it up quick smart.

We had talked about this - I told him I didn't want him getting super drunk because we're mid cycle and I need his sperm to not be hungover. Obviously this didn't sink in and I feel like my usually pretty perfect husband kinda flipped me the bird here. He's then gone on to discuss our IVF situation with a friend of ours (a good friend, mind) which isn't the end of the world but I thought we were discussing together who we were going to tell before just doing it. This happened before with another friend, recently as well.

That, and whenever anyone asked if I was drinking he'd sorta say 'oh, she can't.' It seemed like he was kinda daring them to ask why. Again, I can understand this because it's frustrating. I would love to talk about this to more people so I don't feel so alone.. I would shout it from the rooftops!
But the more people that know about it... I feel like there's more pressure on me to perform. I feel like there's going to be the sympathetic tongue clucking when I don't or can't perform. I feel like I can't deal with that, and it's stressing me out more than ever.

Yew Near, Yew Nou

I will have you know that I was absolutely wrecked on New Years Eve.

No, I don't drink. I'd just come off a few days in a row of work (doing ten or more hours per day) so when I finished work that day and we had to go straight to our mate's party......

I tried to socialise.. I really did. In the end, the crowds, the noise, the horrible cigarette smoke and almost tripping over their dog constantly (If anyone is familiar with Mr. Tiddles from Discworld's Going Postal? Basically an elderly cat so set in it's way that if someone put an obstacle in his path he wouldn't go around it, he would just stop and wait for it to move. At certain times of the day, post office staff had to open the door so Mr. Tiddles could walk through it.) just got to me.

Escaping quietly to the adjacent lounge room inside.. I sat there, looked at memes, designed a dope tattoo flash and ate my meal quietly. I contemplated my life. I thought about the coming year. I longingly thought about sleep. I toyed with the idea of putting my Ipod on even though the stereo seemed to have speakers in every room of the house.

People walked past, occasionally noticing me and asking if I was okay or cracking some joke about how I'd found the good spot.
Everyone there was so nice, and the good thing about being 'the quiet one' is that you can bugger off every now and then and people usually respect that you need your space and leave you alone for a bit. I tried not to be rude, but I was feeling so hollow and lacking in energy that it was very hard not to appear as a total ass face.