I'm not a fan of Quora. I prefer Yahoo! Answers. Reason being, Quora makes you create an account first to even SEE answers, and has too much of a mixed bag of either weird teenage/tweenage people who write stupid questions and barely decipherable answers... or it's the people who are waaay too overqualified to be answering dumb questions on an internet forum and they make sure you know it. There's no happy medium.
That and some jerkface didn't like my answer to a question despite it being the most reasonable and thought out answer there and reported me - and now because I used a nickname and not my real name (for my own privacy and protection, having had a stalker in the past) I've technically GOT an account BUT can't post or do anything. Guess how long that account's going to last? Hmmm, I wonder.
If anyone's wondering, the question was something like "Do you think (actor) is the best choice for (this comic character)?" My answer was like 'no, (actor) hasn't captured the personality of (comic character) because (reason) and/or (other reason) and their version is someone entirely different to the comic character that became popular in the first place. I think they should have just made (actor) play a new character or someone else rather than (comic character) due to this'.
For context, the other answers were like "ohmigawd yaaaassssss queeen, she is like sooo hawt" or "I hate (comic character) but (actor) is sexy and shows her butt so I don't care about (comic character)'s portrayal!"
I could be bitter, but there's just something about dealing with idiots on the internet that makes you want to get violent with a keyboard against a wall.
Anyway, before I sign out of that stupid site for good - one of the suggested topics caught my eye.
Men and boys - what is the most sexist thing anyone has ever said or done to you
So I went in and had a look.
Now, some of them don't seem too extreme (or were more jokey rather than serious or vague statements and not real life experiences) and some sound like the odd fake story in the Entitled Parents posts on Reddit (like who talks like that? Did this actually happen?) but there were a lot in there that were eye-opening.
Main ones that were interesting to me seem to be about mainly male parenting (being assumed to be 'stepping in for the day' when taking care of the kids, maybe being assumed to be a pervert while watching their own kids at the playground, issues with 50/50 parenting and problems when child support comes into it ((one story was about how the dad had full custody, yet the mom was claiming child support and everyone he spoke to about it assumed he was just a deadbeat trying to get out of paying it)) )
or more of a nature vs nurture situation - differences in growing up and then expectations around adult life (girls can hit boys but not vice versa, men need to pay for everything, men do the driving and home maintenance) or being discouraged from something (ie having long hair or doing a certain job) because it's a predominant feature for the other gender.
Have to say some of these stories say things as fact in their country but don't often say WHERE that is so I don't know if this is problematic of that country as a whole, or just their generation or town for example. In saying that, it's still important to hear these stories.
Telling young boys they aren't allowed to cry - a genuine, natural human action - only sets them up to have issues with their feelings later. Telling girls that they can't play sports at the level of boys only sets them up later to doubt their natural abilities.
A lot of things can be damaging, even if the person doesn't mean them in a negative way.
So when it comes to parenting, or even IVF - the same thing can easily happen.
For example, I know my husband gets annoyed when he is the last to find out anything from our clinic, they always notify me first. I can justify this because I'm the one the results affect immediately, I'm the one who books appointment, I'm the one who always checks her emails/has more access to a phone at work and I'm the one who would be chasing up their office if they hadn't contacted us by the agreed time. I'm the one who meticulously plans out what questions we want to ask and document the responses for discussion later. Besides, sometimes hubby forgets to tell me important updates because we're both shift workers and often our schedules don't align well. The clinic doesn't have all day to be calling us both though, either.
In saying that, I can understand his frustration because it would seem to him like he isn't involved in the process much despite obviously being an important part. He feels like an outsider, an anonymous sperm donor, a small cog in a large machine. We're only using him for his body, not his contribution.
I've always felt this is wrong. Any father should be able to look after his kids without someone telling him he must have drawn the short straw. Any father should be able to sit at the playground without someone assuming he's a paedophile. This isn't saying don't be vigilant - we know there are creeps who hang around playgrounds - just like we know there are female creeps out there who sometimes cut pregnant women's stomachs open to steal her unborn infant. They are out there alright, but they are the exception, not the rule.
Personally and in my workplace - I ASK who the best contact is. Maybe the wife has called in but the husband is the best person to call if we need anything. Maybe it's one of their kids. Maybe they're going overseas and it's best for me to either email them instead or call an extended relative in case of emergency.
Particularly in this day and age of gender fluidity, sexual preferences and ever changing family roles - we can't be stuck in these antiquated, rigid and outdated gender stereotypes. Much like you wouldn't ask a couple of females 'who wears the pants in the relationship' - we shouldn't ASSUME the mother does all the caring for the kids and just stays at home all day doing yoga. We shouldn't ASSUME that the father has to be at work all day and never take care/interest in the family, and is the one that has to pay for dinner all the time.
We could assume the mother is the best caregiver, but not know she's a raging alcoholic. We could assume the man staring at the kids at the playground is a creep, but not know he's watching carefully to make sure no-one shoves his kids around. Is the person smiling at you on the bus a weirdo, or just trying to be friendly? Is the main breadwinner in your family actually the best option or just who we think is supposed to be the money maker?
As they always say, when you assume, you make an ass out of you and me!
People need to do what's right for them, provided it doesn't infringe on anyone else's rights. If mom can stay home and care for the kids, great! If she wants to return to work, great! If the dad wants to care fulltime - great! If both parents work 50/50 and rotate the work - great! Find what works for you and do it. If you hear about someone else doing something 'unusual' - don't condemn them, be happy for them if it works for them.
In the case of IVF and similar - never forget that your partner is your most important ally - physically, mentally and probably financially. It is a shared workload - their input should always be asked for and valued. You both need to be happy with what's going on, have the chance to ask questions, and be involved in the process.
That and some jerkface didn't like my answer to a question despite it being the most reasonable and thought out answer there and reported me - and now because I used a nickname and not my real name (for my own privacy and protection, having had a stalker in the past) I've technically GOT an account BUT can't post or do anything. Guess how long that account's going to last? Hmmm, I wonder.
If anyone's wondering, the question was something like "Do you think (actor) is the best choice for (this comic character)?" My answer was like 'no, (actor) hasn't captured the personality of (comic character) because (reason) and/or (other reason) and their version is someone entirely different to the comic character that became popular in the first place. I think they should have just made (actor) play a new character or someone else rather than (comic character) due to this'.
For context, the other answers were like "ohmigawd yaaaassssss queeen, she is like sooo hawt" or "I hate (comic character) but (actor) is sexy and shows her butt so I don't care about (comic character)'s portrayal!"
I could be bitter, but there's just something about dealing with idiots on the internet that makes you want to get violent with a keyboard against a wall.
Men and boys - what is the most sexist thing anyone has ever said or done to you
So I went in and had a look.Now, some of them don't seem too extreme (or were more jokey rather than serious or vague statements and not real life experiences) and some sound like the odd fake story in the Entitled Parents posts on Reddit (like who talks like that? Did this actually happen?) but there were a lot in there that were eye-opening.
Main ones that were interesting to me seem to be about mainly male parenting (being assumed to be 'stepping in for the day' when taking care of the kids, maybe being assumed to be a pervert while watching their own kids at the playground, issues with 50/50 parenting and problems when child support comes into it ((one story was about how the dad had full custody, yet the mom was claiming child support and everyone he spoke to about it assumed he was just a deadbeat trying to get out of paying it)) )
or more of a nature vs nurture situation - differences in growing up and then expectations around adult life (girls can hit boys but not vice versa, men need to pay for everything, men do the driving and home maintenance) or being discouraged from something (ie having long hair or doing a certain job) because it's a predominant feature for the other gender.
Have to say some of these stories say things as fact in their country but don't often say WHERE that is so I don't know if this is problematic of that country as a whole, or just their generation or town for example. In saying that, it's still important to hear these stories.
Telling young boys they aren't allowed to cry - a genuine, natural human action - only sets them up to have issues with their feelings later. Telling girls that they can't play sports at the level of boys only sets them up later to doubt their natural abilities.
A lot of things can be damaging, even if the person doesn't mean them in a negative way.
So when it comes to parenting, or even IVF - the same thing can easily happen.
For example, I know my husband gets annoyed when he is the last to find out anything from our clinic, they always notify me first. I can justify this because I'm the one the results affect immediately, I'm the one who books appointment, I'm the one who always checks her emails/has more access to a phone at work and I'm the one who would be chasing up their office if they hadn't contacted us by the agreed time. I'm the one who meticulously plans out what questions we want to ask and document the responses for discussion later. Besides, sometimes hubby forgets to tell me important updates because we're both shift workers and often our schedules don't align well. The clinic doesn't have all day to be calling us both though, either.
In saying that, I can understand his frustration because it would seem to him like he isn't involved in the process much despite obviously being an important part. He feels like an outsider, an anonymous sperm donor, a small cog in a large machine. We're only using him for his body, not his contribution.
I've always felt this is wrong. Any father should be able to look after his kids without someone telling him he must have drawn the short straw. Any father should be able to sit at the playground without someone assuming he's a paedophile. This isn't saying don't be vigilant - we know there are creeps who hang around playgrounds - just like we know there are female creeps out there who sometimes cut pregnant women's stomachs open to steal her unborn infant. They are out there alright, but they are the exception, not the rule.
Personally and in my workplace - I ASK who the best contact is. Maybe the wife has called in but the husband is the best person to call if we need anything. Maybe it's one of their kids. Maybe they're going overseas and it's best for me to either email them instead or call an extended relative in case of emergency.
Particularly in this day and age of gender fluidity, sexual preferences and ever changing family roles - we can't be stuck in these antiquated, rigid and outdated gender stereotypes. Much like you wouldn't ask a couple of females 'who wears the pants in the relationship' - we shouldn't ASSUME the mother does all the caring for the kids and just stays at home all day doing yoga. We shouldn't ASSUME that the father has to be at work all day and never take care/interest in the family, and is the one that has to pay for dinner all the time.
We could assume the mother is the best caregiver, but not know she's a raging alcoholic. We could assume the man staring at the kids at the playground is a creep, but not know he's watching carefully to make sure no-one shoves his kids around. Is the person smiling at you on the bus a weirdo, or just trying to be friendly? Is the main breadwinner in your family actually the best option or just who we think is supposed to be the money maker?
As they always say, when you assume, you make an ass out of you and me!
People need to do what's right for them, provided it doesn't infringe on anyone else's rights. If mom can stay home and care for the kids, great! If she wants to return to work, great! If the dad wants to care fulltime - great! If both parents work 50/50 and rotate the work - great! Find what works for you and do it. If you hear about someone else doing something 'unusual' - don't condemn them, be happy for them if it works for them.
In the case of IVF and similar - never forget that your partner is your most important ally - physically, mentally and probably financially. It is a shared workload - their input should always be asked for and valued. You both need to be happy with what's going on, have the chance to ask questions, and be involved in the process.
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