7 months later

So yes it's been a while between posts.  A lot has happened and I didn't have the energy to write about it.  I'm going to try to get back into documenting our efforts so please bear with me.

Pictured: an accurate representation of both my life and the fact that I've been consuming a lot of Korean media lately. 

What prompted this post was sheer exasperation. My husband and I have been through so, so much over the last year in particular but the last couple of months we're been having a good run where people haven't been asking us about our family plans. 

Well yesterday that good run got derailed hard.  One of my good friends and a former workmate cut and dyed her hair for leukaemia  research. As it affected her partner,  she was pretty emotional but we were all there for her.  After everyone left,  I hung back to have a catch up because it had been a while.  After a bit of chin wag , that question came out. 

I deflected by mumbling a quick "Well nothing has happened yet" then i started harping on about how much smarter my niece is than the average university student. I left shortly afterwards. 

It's such a loaded question,  I don't know why anyone would all that question even though it sounds so innocent. But people who have never experienced difficulties or heartbreak don't think about it.  

My manager at work is pregnant.  Everyday there's a new discussion about morning sickness,  cravings,  gender,  foods to avoid,  preferential parking, general wellness and medical appointments. 

I try not to get involved and I try not to listen but it's hard.  

It makes me want to put my head in my hands and sob right at my desk.  Like,  she's lovely and I wish her nothing but the best but at the same time... she has that confidence that nothing will go wrong,  and even when she moans about feeling nauseous ...

I would do anything,  give anything to have that or feel like that. To feel secure and confident that I was going to have a live, healthy child in a few month's time and that my only concern is the numbers on the scale and my new dress not fitting well around the stomach. 

Other team members I know for a fact have had miscarriages and then gone on to have families but they have no issues moving on it seems.  It makes me feel like a massive dick that someone's joy makes me so sad. 

Then on the other hand, a friend's brother who - along with his partner - have adamantly denied that they are going to have and/or want kids, who can't even manage to visit his nephew etc etc... are suddenly pregnant.

This sort of thing gets to my husband.. like, people who don't want kids get pregnant.. why can't we?

Why is this so unjust?