Babysitter's club, say hello to your SCREAMING NIECE OH GOSH WHYYY

Now the day after my surgery we were scheduled to baby sit our new niece, RNK. In hospital the previous night - my parents told us to not go ahead with this if we didn't feel up to it. They would have gladly done it but they had a prior engagement. It was only for a sporting event but I know how much that sport meant to my sister - frankly I'm surprised she lasted the entire pregnancy without kicking a soccer ball.

So we agreed to do it. It started off okay, Laalaa was on time, RNK was cheerful and smiling. Laalaa told us she hadn't had a nap (we suspect she planned this so she'd fall asleep for us) but was otherwise sorted for feeds and what not.

Then Laalaa left.

All was peaceful on the south-eastern front until...

Five minutes later.....

She realised we were NOT THE MAMA.

For those not aware, impersonation of 'the mama' is a screamable offence. 

We didn't know better, we were just the temporary care takers (let's face it, this kid has no ball kicking skills and lets the soccer team down constantly. They're trying again next season) and didn't mean any offence. 

We tried the traditional calming rituals of "ooh, what's this teddy bear doing here" or "let me hold you and wobble you around while we walk" but this had no effect. Then we attempted the "hey, is that a rattle? I think it is!" and "lying on a sweet pirate rug" before the "putting you back in the stroller and rocking you back and forth, as words from the ancestors foretold this would work sufficiently". 

These were also ineffective. Desperate to look for a solution, we offered a bottle and checked the nappy but all was fine there. This kid - while ridiculously cute - was real prissy. Like, a slight dampness in the nappy and she was inconsolable. Mama Laalaa walks away for two seconds, and she's throwing a baby fit. She's also a champion level pouter. 

We started to get worried because this was half an hour in and the kid was wailing so hard she was red in the face, our neighbours were jabbing out our doors with extension-brooms and the paint was starting to peel off our walls. Not that our neighbours can judge, the ones behind us are generally yelling about something (although they have been better lately) the ones across the road have six kids and everyday they're screaming about the tiniest infringement on the kid's part (like the popular 'piss off and leave me alone, child #3, I'm havin' a durry!') while the ones down the road let their kids play on the road instead of the two perfectly good parks their house is situated between. 

Not against kids going outdoors, but people are notorious for speeding up that road and it's a blind corner. The older kids are good for raising the 'car alarm' - ha, see what I did there - but at the end of the day, they're kids with no supervision. Just the other day I was coming home from work, saw them and slowed down of course, they scattered to the other sides of the road but before I even passed them one kid ran out again (level with my driver's door) and scared the crap out of me. He must have been maybe four or five and it was just a game to him. 

Then, five minutes later after I picked up hubby and ventured onto our next destination - an older girl - maybe 6 or 7 - moved to get out of the way but then someone called to her and she just stopped in the street, turned around.. seemingly forgetting what she was doing. We stopped, waited and eventually had to pip the horn at her to say 'Hey... mechanical beast of death here. Please move.' 

Anyway, we decided to take the kid for a walk. It was a nice day, we hadn't been outside for any reason other than hospital visits and the rest of our suburb hadn't had a chance to enjoy the screams. 

This seemed agreeable to the child demon, as her hellish shrieks of the damned quietened down to the feeble whimpers of the can't-be-bothered-crying-anymore.

We had toured half the suburb before she actually fell asleep though. Kind of too scared to stop in case she woke up, we refuelled at a nearby 7/11 (my legs were both enjoying and hating the exercise so I didn't want to push it.) and slowly plodded back home. 

Getting into the house wasn't too bad, she stayed asleep. We sat down nearby and read books. Hubby read Harry Potter and I was almost finished my saga of Strangers in Paradise

I put my book down after a while and carefully, silently got up to stretch my sore legs, played some Ipad games.. I was in pain and restless. I was also worried. This was a three-four hour gig and the kid had to be asleep for us to feel like we'd done something right. I doubted myself - for not the first time - would I actually be a good mother? COULD I actually do this?

Panda's unshakeable uncle-ing skills were USELESS in the face of the crying onslaught we received - believe that we were shocked and left questioning what was actually real in this world anymore. 

I suppose if we did have a kid of our own, we'd imprint on it enough - bird style - so they'd love us the most so it's understandable that this kid rejected us, but it still sucks. 

Eventually, she woke up, we prepared a bottle and I fed it to her successfully.. she was still sooking but as it was now a lot darker in this late afternoon time-frame maybe I resembled my sister more in the dark so she was happier. So the key there, apparently, for a happy baby is a feed, a clean nappy and a good disguise. 

When Laalaa came back obviously she was a lot happier but we survived the experience so there you are. Laalaa did the traditional mum thing.. she asked if/when we were going to have a kid now. You know, now we've had our 'first' horrifying experience with a tiny person. I didn't even get a chance to joke or choke out an answer because she kept going with the mum thing and fussing with her baby or talking about said baby doing something cute/weird/gross. 

That put a little damper on the rest of my evening, which was otherwise a pleasant visit from my elder sister and later on my brother in law and actual brother, who decided that our home was a decent enough half way point. I can't remember the last time my sister and her husband were at our house unless it was to quickly pick something up.

Panda had heard the question despite being in the kitchen at the time which, as well as saving me bring it up, was amazing because sometimes we can sit on the couch side by side and he won't hear me but I digress. He asked if I was okay. I thought I was, but I guess I was still a little numb about the whole thing. 

It is a bit depressing that the only time having a child or trying to get pregnant has been discussed between my sister and I is when they've just had one after keeping their trying efforts extremely quiet. What am I supposed to make of that? Should I tell them everything and explain that:

Or leave it at some mumbled response because no one wants to hear my depressing story while they're juggling their own bundle of joy.