This one is going to be about my own personal journey about getting up the duff, hopefully.
Why do I feel like I need to document this?
First of all - I have feelings about things that must be let out, secondly, if all goes well, this could be nice to come back and reflect on, thirdly, I'm fed up with other articles and other sources giving information that doesn't assist me - by writing what i'm learning, it may help someone else in my position later on.
So, when I was young I had an affinity for the chiddlin's... I was always looking after them and they liked playing with me and I naturally assumed I'd pop out a few because I happen to be a woman. Of course, you grow up and because I wasn't hanging out with brats in diapers so often, I became fearful of them. What if something went wrong and I was left holding the stinky diaper bag? (Which, in itself is both a definition of something going wrong and an appropriate metaphor!)
Another part was that I never felt like I was in the right head space to produce a child into this world. I still wanted one, vaguely, but I was aware that Hey! I'm in a lousy financial position, and I can barely take care of my self coherently! I didn't want to go through that whole commitment thing and then find out I couldn't cope, or I was a terrible mother and all my kids were messed up, etc.
A few years ago I began to get a bit clucky but we postponed trying because we were getting married and had too many other things going on at that time.
Now, let me pause on that for a minute. Clucky is such a terrible word. I guess it comes from brooding hens or something that loosely ties back to women being birds somehow. (I like birds, but that's still weird because a lot of people are seriously freaked out by birds)
My sister in law has about five kids. Naturally, I have met them all. When I met the youngest, she was basically thrown into my arms and I was told to look after her for a minute. Naturally, I did this. The baby survived, I think I did pretty well. Two seconds later, SIL is crowing about me being clucky. She did the same thing when I was hanging out with the older kids a few years later, drawing and colouring in.
Now, if I'd been going "aaaawwww, I wish I had a baybeeee..... d'aaaw they're soooo cute, I'm soooow jeawous of your vaginnnya" the whole time I WOULD UNDERSTAND THIS but I wasn't, I was simply helping her out quietly and she's determining that I'm immediately needing to be up the darn duff just by being near her spawn for a few seconds? That kinda ticked me off.
Also, it's creepy... like getting pregnant is a communicable disease that women try to spread to other women verbally. Eeeurgh.
Secondly - nearly every comment in my wedding guestbook was basically reworded versions of "Thanks for getting married - now you owe us a spawn of your own!"
I mean, apart from that my wedding was perfect, and everything I ever wanted in a formalish ceremony to link me to the love of my life officially but this made me kinda miffed at my family and friends. To be fair, I expected one or two comments, because "hey, you're a woman, your womb is basically fair game for anything you guys" but I at least thought there would be a lot more "Congratulations! You both look so happy! Enjoy your life together! Thanks for all the free food!"
Now that I physically, financially and mentally, feel somewhat up to the task we're finding that it's not as easy as it is on television/movies for everyone.
Which, unfortunately has happened to us but there's a whole world out there with their own problems or combinations of complications. I feel like we hadn't really heard much from that 'part' of the world. It's a bit of a kick to the mental parts, (and wallet - eventually) and leaves you questioning yourself all the time.
It's harder when some people get pregnant without seemingly trying.
I once worked with a girl who never ate lunch, smoked like a chimney and was constantly drinking. When she got pregnant, she stopped drinking and bitched about it but she continued to smoke like a house on fire and kept smoking like that as if it wasn't a major problem for anyone involved.
Others had a one night stand. Others messed up from substance abuse have been able to pop out kids non-stop. Overheard customers laughing about how if they wanted an upgrade in their housing estate they'd just get pregnant again so the dole would cover it.
You just think - what did I do wrong? Should I have lived off smokes and caffeine? Should I have hit the hard stuff? Should I have had a child when I was unemployed and on a minimum government payout? Nooo, I just had to be the one without a drug or alcohol habit, with a clean diet and regular exercise, didn't I?! Look at me, working all this time to be responsible!
Now I've ruined everything by apparently doing everything right!
But! We're seeing a specialist who has confidence he can help us on our journey and the support of several friends. We were aware of a condition of mine that was always going to be a problem but we're working around it. The important thing right now is to stay positive, and of course, boink LOADS of times.
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